Isaac's Bonfire: The Church, Effigies Made of Washing and The Holy Trinity of Religious Nutbags.
Why should I give you some money? All you've done is publicly display your dirty clothes stuffed in a mouldy old bin bag. Why on Earth would I pay to see that? Well I won't, so piss off.
No, stay there, I've not finished with you you little filth.
What if I was to do that to you? You gonna give me some money if I present my shit-stained shreddies and gooey condoms in a carrier bag to you? Will you? No, you won't give me any money, no more than I would give you… but I bet you'd be off to tell the police, and I'm likely to be arrested shortly afterwards. Now how is that fair? You're considered to be legitimately begging, and yet I'll be considered to be a raving nonce trying to share a bag full of spunk balloons.
Penny for a guy, fuck face!
Aw, but forget all that! It's all a bit of fun! A bit of the old late-night-begging, trick or treating, and penny-for-a-guy. It's all just a bit of a laugh.
'We're having a bonfire tonight good neighbour, want to come around? We'll have lots of fireworks, a little bonfire, the kids'll have sparklers (they're so cute!) and Spencer is cooking sausages on the BBQ! It's going to be great!'
Well, sorry to disagree, but no it fucking won't. And to prove so, I'll be popping along to ensure your children are burnt to cinders, and that you both contract AIDS.
It's all a bit of fun when they post a lit firework through your door and set the house on fire. Having to chase these fire-hungry delinquents away with my axe isn't my idea of fun. Trick or treat? I'll give you a treat you sneaking, devious little cock suckers, and smash this axe through your thick fucking skulls.
Penny for a guy mate? Fuck off.
We're having a… Fuck off.
But we're gonna… Fuck off.
Oh, and before you start, that plastic fucking ghost mask sellotaped to the side of that Netto bag doesn't turn your washing into an effigy of Mr. Fawkes.
Every fucking year, little pesky stinking scrotal sacks begging for 'pennies'. I wouldn't mind, but they don't even make any effort. If they produced a six foot effigy of Guy Fawkes, complete with dagger, hat, fingerless gloves and pistol, and he was stood on top of a barrel of gun powder, I might be able to spare a coin. But to fill an Aldi bag full of toilet roll, slap a He-Man mask on the front of it then demand cash from everyone in the vicinity is outrageous.
Where's the creativity? Who the hell popularised this 'Masked Bin Bag' lark? Who? Damn them.
However.
I AM in favour of burning dangerous religious extremists at the stake. But surely by now we should be creating new effigies of religious nut bags from our own era. Abu Hamza, David Icke and Isaac Hayes are all terrifiying bogey men who and are all worthy candidates.
Just imagine exhuming Isaac Hayes, nailing his rotten corpse to a huge cross, dousing him in petrol and then erecting him 50 feet up into the air outside the local church.
For a few days, pigeons and magpies can peck at his chocolate salted balls whilst the public begin building a huge bonfire around him.
Then, just before sunset on the 5th of November, another quick saturation with petrol and we're ready to go. You could even sell tickets if you're the organiser. Make sure that all the spectators are at least 100 feet away from Isaac's bonfire, sit back, relax and enjoy the show.
CLANG!!!
The church bell rings at the stroke of 8.00pm! The crowd cheer and salute in merriment and a good samaritan, dressed in a cape with a longbow perched atop the church spire, peers down at the bonfire below. He gives the crowd a jingoistic wave, screams 'Hallelujah', and unleashes a flaming arrow into old Isaac causing a incandescent explosion so large it can be seen for hundreds of miles around.
Better than fireworks… better than sparklers… and better than raw fucking sausages.
Remember, remember the 5th of November
Abu, David and Isaac
I can't think, and I can't remember
So nail them to a cross, stick 'em in a bonfire, and blow them up with a big fucking flaming arrow!
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