May I present a world famous American cousin of ours: Roger Ebert.
As the entire world and neighbouring planetoids are now aware, Roge died of cancer recently, and was widely regarded as a 'world famous film critic' famed specifically for his empty, vacuous and purportedly funny film reviews, describing films such as Caligula, the Roman archaic soft-porn cack-romp, as: "sickening, utterly worthless shameful trash", and with similar distaste; 90s box office smash Armageddon with: "No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out".
He was such a negative, witty and articulate fellow I'm sure he'll be sorely missed, but it is plain to see why he was so well regarded when he has a stack-full of hilarious, venomous and derogatory blurbs like that in his back catalogue!
However…
Little did America know that the funniest most scathing and nastiest of all his reviews would come some years later as he slobbered in retirement. No one could have guessed which film he'd hated that particular week and let's be honest; he hated them all, every week… every single one of them. But I digress, which bucket of moving-picture wank juice was to get the 'Ebert Treatment' that America was foaming at the mouth for? Oddly, it wasn't a film in the end.
It came as a shock when we were informed that it wasn't actually a film he'd reviewed, but his own face. Unsurprisingly a furore began; people crowded in public toilets, scratching at the crotch, desperate to hear his witty opinions, his piercing views, the ultimate and correct review of his own face. Would it be good, or would it be bad? A great divide separated the nation and on the 8th of August they finally found out the results of his review; broadcast live in an in-depth interview on 'Oprah':
"My face is like the soft, stodgy smear of shit at the bottom of a disabled child's bedpan… a malevolent stool, saturated in piss, gently bobbing in the acrid fluid, scummy AIDS, cancer head, jizz and piss, giant turds of oblivion… still… STILL waiting to be flushed away to sea. It's a rectal dismissal. It's a disgrace."Bad review then.
With such a command of the American language, it was difficult to disagree with a master of opinions. In America his power with words were, and still are, so powerful and awe-inspiring that people can fall in love with him just by reading several letters from just one of his words. Remarkable. He is and was an American hero, a 'reviewer extraordinaire', a wordsmith without equal in the world of cinema.
After bearing his ugly soul on Oprah to the delight of hundreds of millions, he became obsessed with his own head, particularly his lower jaw. Cogitating fiercely on his own opinions and constantly re-reviewing his own review, he mentally masturbated daily with the hope of wiping his views on everyone else's curtains. It wasn't healthy, especially for his mother.
After several weeks of non-stop ranting, it had become apparent that he'd taken his own review of his own face so seriously that he'd become a victim to his own powers… 'hoist with his own petard' as they say.
This self-created delusion couldn't have happened at a worse time for Roge. It's detrimental effect to his already failing physical health, the depression caused by the death of his pet dilkush, and the public allegations relating to his twisted penchant of enjoying Mc Hammer at the incorrect times of the day, all took their toll. It wasn't long before he became mentally unstable and took to drink, heroin and fagging it in public.
These dark days for Roge are already well documented so I won't go into any details, but after months of drug abuse, mega-swiggage and skanky ladyboys, he could stand it no longer. The bathroom mirror had become his true enemy and the rancid taste of his own stinking review still lingered bitterly in his gob. There was only one solution.
After consulting with Hollywood's finest plastic surgeon; Jackie Stallone, he decided to have facial reconstructive surgery to remove his lower jaw and create what's known in the industry as a NSJ. With the full support of his family and the nation, on the 17th of January he went under the knife, in the name of the Christ, to aid his own mental restoration.
The results are spectacular, as you can see. Jackie Stallone has managed to create one of the funniest, most terrifying, disturbing collection of face shapes ever witnessed. Roge, you have earned my unequivocal gratitude for bringing joy back into my life again. My only regret is that your face will soon rot in the earth and won't be enjoyed by future generations. Long live photography!
May your actions of hilarity and good will be sung around the world.
nb. NSJ (nut-sack jaw)
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