My kinda people.
Friday 10 January 2014
Monday 6 January 2014
Career In Reverse
Undoubtably the highlight of this horrible man's career. I'm behind you Patrick! Erm.. not literally... I don't see you like that mucker.
Monday 21 October 2013
Tuesday 16 July 2013
Tuesday 25 June 2013
Monday 17 June 2013
Friday 14 June 2013
Thursday 13 June 2013
Monday 10 June 2013
Quick Review: The Iceman
The mighty Michael Shannon manages to pop in before Snyders new Superman epic this week (in which he plays General Zod) with The Iceman, a relatively small, low budget, semi-autobiographical flick which tells the tale of Richard Kuklinski, a mass-murdering American-Polish hit-man who's been attributed with over 100 kills. Nice fellah then.
I bet you're thinking: But is it any good, you turgid, waffling cock face? Well, in my humble opinion:
Acting 8/10
Great lead from the ever intense Shannon, well supported by Evans, who brings the comic relief, and Ryder.
Dialogue/Script 7/10
Convincing, neat and tidy, with just enough malice and bad language. Actors have seemingly adopted well to the screenplay.
Direction 7/10
Well balanced and handled, good performances, well paced and visualised but not as disturbing as it ought to be.
Great lead from the ever intense Shannon, well supported by Evans, who brings the comic relief, and Ryder.
Dialogue/Script 7/10
Convincing, neat and tidy, with just enough malice and bad language. Actors have seemingly adopted well to the screenplay.
Direction 7/10
Well balanced and handled, good performances, well paced and visualised but not as disturbing as it ought to be.
Editing 7/10
Well pieced together, possibly a tad too long.
Costume/Make up 8/10
Tremendous false beards, sideburns, slick back hair, flairs, disco boots and overall 70s vibe. Ridiculous.
Cinematography 7/10
Well shot in general, too dark at times, but sticks to it's guns until the end. Elements of Starsky & Hutch.
Sound/Score 6/10
Subtle, aids the story but unmemorable.
Production 6/10
Film well made, too dark sometimes, feels like a a heavy hitter but will be largely ignored due to poor promotion.
Special Effects 7/10
Well coloured and pieced together during editing, convincing blood and gory, bullet wounds, explosions. Noting breath-taking.
Sound 6/10
Well mixed, nothing outstanding, sometimes difficult to hear Shannon's mumbling.
Overall 7/10
Solid well made thriller about an interesting character, not suited to everyone, but the casting and strength of the central performances are reason enough to give this one a go.
Sunday 9 June 2013
Soon To Be Baptised
No
chili's this year I'm afraid... too much effort and frankly I can't be arsed... too much going on. However, having seen this for a bargain I thought I'd give this notorious bleeder a try. Watered, pruned, sprayed, fed and soon to be baptised with my trusty scalpel, I'm told these buggers have a reputation for being notoriously difficult to grow and maintain but I'm not sure why… it's just a plant at the end of the day.
I'll try it on a diet of Soundgarden, toothpicks and tweezer massage to start with and see how it gets on.
Monday 6 May 2013
The Green Man
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Thursday 18 April 2013
The Democratic People's Republic of Korea... or is it?
"The moves of the US imperialists to violate the sovereignty of the DPRK and encroach upon its supreme interests have entered an extremely grave phase.
Under this situation, the dear respected Marshal Kim Jong Un, brilliant commander of Mt. Paektu, convened an urgent operation meeting on the performance of duty of the Strategic Rocket Force of the Korean People's Army for firepower strike and finally examined and ratified a plan for firepower strike.
The important decision made by him is the declaration of a do-or-die battle to provide an epochal occasion for putting an end to the history of the long-standing showdown with the US and opening a new era.
It is also a last warning of justice served to the US, south Korean group and other anti-reunification hostile forces.
The decision reflects the strong will of the army and people of the DPRK to annihilate the enemies.
Now the heroic service personnel and all other people of the DPRK are full of surging anger at the US imperialists' reckless war provocation moves, and the strong will to turn out as one in the death-defying battle with the enemies and achieve a final victory of the great war for national reunification true to the important decision made by Kim Jong Un.
The Supreme Command of the KPA in its previous statement solemnly declared at home and abroad the will of the army and people of the DPRK to take decisive military counteraction to defend the sovereignty of the country and the dignity of its supreme leadership as regards the war moves of the U.S. and south Korean puppets that have reached the most extreme phase.
Not content with letting B-52 make sorties into the sky over south Korea in succession despite the repeated warnings of the DPRK, the US made B-2A stealth strategic bomber and other ultra-modern strategic strike means fly from the US mainland to south Korea to stage a bombing drill targeting the DPRK.
This is an unpardonable and heinous provocation and an open challenge.
By taking advantage of the US reckless campaign for a nuclear war against the DPRK, the south Korean puppets vociferated about "preemptive attack" and "strong counteraction" and even "strike at the commanding forces", openly revealing the attempt to destroy monuments symbolic of the dignity of the DPRK's supreme leadership.
This clearly shows that the US brigandish ambition for aggression and the puppets' attempt to invade the DPRK have gone beyond the limit and their threats have entered the reckless phase of an actual war from the phase of threat and blackmail.
The prevailing grim situation more clearly proves that the Supreme Command of the KPA was just when it made the judgment and decision to decisively settle accounts with the US imperialists and south Korean puppets by dint of the arms of Songun, because time when words could work has passed.
Now they are openly claiming that the B-2A stealth strategic bombers' drill of dropping nuclear bombs was "not to irritate the north" but "the defensive one".
The US also says the drill is 'to defend the interests of its ally'.
However, it is nothing but a lame pretext to cover up its aggressive nature, evade the denunciation at home and abroad and escape from the DPRK's retaliatory blows.
The era when the U.S. resorted to the policy of strength by brandishing nuclear weapons has gone.
It is the resolute answer of the DPRK and its steadfast stand to counter the nuclear blackmail of the US imperialists with merciless nuclear attack and their war of aggression with just all-out war.
They should clearly know that in the era of Marshal Kim Jong Un, the greatest-ever commander, all things are different from what they used to be in the past.
The hostile forces will clearly realize the iron will, matchless grit and extraordinary mettle of the brilliant commander of Mt. Paektu that the earth cannot exist without Songun Korea.
Time has come to stage a do-or-die final battle.
The government, political parties and organizations of the DPRK solemnly declare as follows reflecting the final decision made by Kim Jong Un at the operation meeting of the KPA Supreme Command and the unanimous will of all service personnel and people of the DPRK who are waiting for a final order from him.
1.From this moment, the north-south relations will be put at the state of war and all the issues arousing between the north and the south will be dealt with according to the wartime regulations.
The state of neither peace nor war has ended on the Korean Peninsula.
Now that the revolutionary armed forces of the DPRK have entered into an actual military action, the inter-Korean relations have naturally entered the state of war. Accordingly, the DPRK will immediately punish any slightest provocation hurting its dignity and sovereignty with resolute and merciless physical actions without any prior notice.
2. If the U.S. and the south Korean puppet group perpetrate a military provocation for igniting a war against the DPRK in any area including the five islands in the West Sea of Korea or in the area along the Military Demarcation Line, it will not be limited to a local war, but develop into an all-out war, a nuclear war.
It is self-evident that any military conflict on the Korean Peninsula is bound to lead to an all-out war, a nuclear war now that even U.S. nuclear strategic bombers in its military bases in the Pacific including Hawaii and Guam and in its mainland are flying into the sky above south Korea to participate in the madcap DPRK-targeted nuclear war moves.
The first strike of the revolutionary armed forces of the DPRK will blow up the U.S. bases for aggression in its mainland and in the Pacific operational theatres including Hawaii and Guam and reduce not only its military bases in south Korea but the puppets’ ruling institutions including Chongwadae and puppet army’s bases to ashes at once, to say nothing of the aggressors and the provokers.
3. The DPRK will never miss the golden chance to win a final victory in a great war for national reunification.
This war will not be a three day-war but it will be a blitz war through which the KPA will occupy all areas of south Korea including Jeju Island at one strike, not giving the U.S. and the puppet warmongers time to come to their senses, and a three-dimensional war to be fought in the air, land and seas and on the front line and in the rear.
This sacred war of justice will be a nation-wide, all-people resistance involving all Koreans in the north and the south and overseas in which the traitors to the nation including heinous confrontation maniacs, warmongers and human scum will be mercilessly swept away.
No force on earth can break the will of the service personnel and people of the DPRK all out in the just great war for national reunification and of all other Koreans and overpower their might.
Holding in high esteem the peerlessly great men of Mt. Paektu, the Korean people will give vent to the pent-up grudge and realize their cherished desire and thus bring a bright day of national reunification and build the best power on this land without fail."
Monday 15 April 2013
Friday 12 April 2013
Ballbag Forachin
May I present a world famous American cousin of ours: Roger Ebert.
As the entire world and neighbouring planetoids are now aware, Roge died of cancer recently, and was widely regarded as a 'world famous film critic' famed specifically for his empty, vacuous and purportedly funny film reviews, describing films such as Caligula, the Roman archaic soft-porn cack-romp, as: "sickening, utterly worthless shameful trash", and with similar distaste; 90s box office smash Armageddon with: "No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out".
He was such a negative, witty and articulate fellow I'm sure he'll be sorely missed, but it is plain to see why he was so well regarded when he has a stack-full of hilarious, venomous and derogatory blurbs like that in his back catalogue!
However…
Little did America know that the funniest most scathing and nastiest of all his reviews would come some years later as he slobbered in retirement. No one could have guessed which film he'd hated that particular week and let's be honest; he hated them all, every week… every single one of them. But I digress, which bucket of moving-picture wank juice was to get the 'Ebert Treatment' that America was foaming at the mouth for? Oddly, it wasn't a film in the end.
It came as a shock when we were informed that it wasn't actually a film he'd reviewed, but his own face. Unsurprisingly a furore began; people crowded in public toilets, scratching at the crotch, desperate to hear his witty opinions, his piercing views, the ultimate and correct review of his own face. Would it be good, or would it be bad? A great divide separated the nation and on the 8th of August they finally found out the results of his review; broadcast live in an in-depth interview on 'Oprah':
"My face is like the soft, stodgy smear of shit at the bottom of a disabled child's bedpan… a malevolent stool, saturated in piss, gently bobbing in the acrid fluid, scummy AIDS, cancer head, jizz and piss, giant turds of oblivion… still… STILL waiting to be flushed away to sea. It's a rectal dismissal. It's a disgrace."Bad review then.
With such a command of the American language, it was difficult to disagree with a master of opinions. In America his power with words were, and still are, so powerful and awe-inspiring that people can fall in love with him just by reading several letters from just one of his words. Remarkable. He is and was an American hero, a 'reviewer extraordinaire', a wordsmith without equal in the world of cinema.
After bearing his ugly soul on Oprah to the delight of hundreds of millions, he became obsessed with his own head, particularly his lower jaw. Cogitating fiercely on his own opinions and constantly re-reviewing his own review, he mentally masturbated daily with the hope of wiping his views on everyone else's curtains. It wasn't healthy, especially for his mother.
After several weeks of non-stop ranting, it had become apparent that he'd taken his own review of his own face so seriously that he'd become a victim to his own powers… 'hoist with his own petard' as they say.
This self-created delusion couldn't have happened at a worse time for Roge. It's detrimental effect to his already failing physical health, the depression caused by the death of his pet dilkush, and the public allegations relating to his twisted penchant of enjoying Mc Hammer at the incorrect times of the day, all took their toll. It wasn't long before he became mentally unstable and took to drink, heroin and fagging it in public.
These dark days for Roge are already well documented so I won't go into any details, but after months of drug abuse, mega-swiggage and skanky ladyboys, he could stand it no longer. The bathroom mirror had become his true enemy and the rancid taste of his own stinking review still lingered bitterly in his gob. There was only one solution.
After consulting with Hollywood's finest plastic surgeon; Jackie Stallone, he decided to have facial reconstructive surgery to remove his lower jaw and create what's known in the industry as a NSJ. With the full support of his family and the nation, on the 17th of January he went under the knife, in the name of the Christ, to aid his own mental restoration.
The results are spectacular, as you can see. Jackie Stallone has managed to create one of the funniest, most terrifying, disturbing collection of face shapes ever witnessed. Roge, you have earned my unequivocal gratitude for bringing joy back into my life again. My only regret is that your face will soon rot in the earth and won't be enjoyed by future generations. Long live photography!
May your actions of hilarity and good will be sung around the world.
nb. NSJ (nut-sack jaw)
Friday 8 March 2013
A Completely Normal Reaction
What's all the fuss about? I thought it was a perfectly natural reaction.
I'm fully behind you Clive… fuck the rags bastards, I hope they all die.
Sunday 3 March 2013
Friday 1 February 2013
An Icon Leaves
"They are the best fans, they were great with me and I will always have a very special place in my heart for City, it’s a great club with a great future.
"I thank them for all of their support of me. Maybe one day we will see each other again. I think to win the Premier League was a very special moment, and I am proud to have been a part of that. "I will remember, too, the song that City fans had for me. It was special for me and I always liked to hear it. I hope they can still sing it sometimes still, even if I’m not there. "Someone told me the fans sang it at QPR; that is nice."
"I spoke with Roberto before I went to speak to the players. We spoke for some time about lots of things. He was sad, and I was too. But it was a good conversation. I love Roberto, he has been very important for my career, and I will always thank him for having trust and faith in me."
"Being at City was an important part of my life and career. I needed to grow up like a player and as a person and it has been a very good experience for me . I will always be interested in Manchester City and their fortunes. I really hope that City can win the league again this year and beat United. I think there are great players at the Club and a great manager too. "The club will be very successful in the future and that makes me happy."
Shame he never quite showed his potential for City. Still could become a world class striker though, but not at the demands of the Premier League it seems. The Italian game probably suits his attitude (and game) better, there he can afford to skulk around waiting for the ball rather than having to put a shift in as Aguero, Tevez, Rooney, Suarez etc, do every week.
Good luck cock.
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