The Only Good Bug…

My kinda people.

Swedish Meat-Balls-Up

It seems the Swedes are pretty fucked up.

That'll Teach Yer!

This is probably the most ridiculous con I've ever been sent.

Quick Review: The Iceman

The mighty Michael Shannon manages to pop in before Snyders new Superman epic this week (in which he plays General Zod) with The Iceman, a relatively small, low budget, semi-autobiographical flick which tells the tale of Richard Kuklinski, a mass-murdering American-Polish hit-man who's been attributed with over 100 kills.  Nice fellah then.  

I bet you're thinking: But is it any good, you turgid, waffling cock face?  Well, in my humble opinion:

Acting 8/10
Great lead from the ever intense Shannon, well supported by Evans, who brings the comic relief, and Ryder.

Dialogue/Script 7/10
Convincing, neat and tidy, with just enough malice and bad language.  Actors have seemingly adopted well to the screenplay.

Direction 7/10
Well balanced and handled, good performances, well paced and visualised but not as disturbing as it ought to be.

Editing 7/10
Well pieced together, possibly a tad too long.

Costume/Make up 8/10
Tremendous false beards, sideburns, slick back hair, flairs, disco boots and overall 70s vibe.  Ridiculous.

Cinematography 7/10
Well shot in general, too dark at times, but sticks to it's guns until the end.  Elements of Starsky & Hutch.

Sound/Score 6/10
Subtle, aids the story but unmemorable.

Production 6/10
Film well made, too dark sometimes, feels like a a heavy hitter but will be largely ignored due to poor promotion.

Special Effects 7/10
Well coloured and pieced together during editing, convincing blood and gory, bullet wounds, explosions.  Noting breath-taking.

Sound 6/10
Well mixed, nothing outstanding, sometimes difficult to hear Shannon's mumbling.

Overall 7/10
Solid well made thriller about an interesting character, not suited to everyone, but the casting and strength of the central performances are reason enough to give this one a go.

Soon To Be Baptised

No chili's this year I'm afraid... too much effort and frankly I can't be arsed... too much going on.  However, having seen this for a bargain I thought I'd give this notorious bleeder a try.  Watered, pruned, sprayed, fed and soon to be baptised with my trusty scalpel, I'm told these buggers have a reputation for being notoriously difficult to grow and maintain but I'm not sure why… it's just a plant at the end of the day.

I'll try it on a diet of Soundgarden, toothpicks and tweezer massage to start with and see how it gets on.

Sen-fucking-sational

Cabbage Patch Potato

Tulisa loves potatoes so much she's even based her head on one!  Months of plastic surgery, and loads of money, and you can achieve almost anything… even turning your head into the above 80s toy-travesty.

But to the real point; what is all the fuss about?  Why does everyone like her?  Does she do something wonderful that I'm not aware of?  Has she got some kind of immense talent I'm unacquainted with?  I doubt it.  I heard of a sex tape and apparently… she blows like moose.

I'm personally sick to death of seeing her swollen head on the front of every magazine and newspaper in the land.  Why?  What does she do?  I demand an answer you fucking numpties!  From what I can gather, she serves no purpose and this means it's time for her to be banished from view.  Dismissed from society.

But all negative comments aside, she did inspire me to write this little limerick.

It's dedicated to you Chewlisa Cabbage Contostavlos. All together now:

She's a podgy swarthy gypo,

A talentless trampy potato,

She can't sing,

And she can't dance,

and she looks like a ten dollar ho.

Sexiest woman alive?  Do me a favour.  I wouldn't even flick her a tenner… she's about as sexy as a pint of diseased bin juice.

Drugs n' Books

After swigging my fair share of toxic stew the other night, it got me thinking about how other people enjoy their nights out. Below is a list of colourful names (and my opinion of what they do to you) that relate to a variety of delicious and dangerous drugs that the average whitey, brownie or darkie might scoff on a night out. This is usually before committing a crime, raping each other, buggering live stock or murdering da Po Po.

Names
1. Christine
(probably turns your piss green)

2. Jellies
(I would've thought makes you fat)

3. Mitsubishi Turbo
(fuck knows, unless it speeds up your metabolism and makes you thin over night… hmm, might try this)

4. Norries
(these must give you tits)

5. Sweeties
(presumably rots your teeth)

6. Eggs
(my favourite but it's effects...I can't imagine)

7. Droppers
(your pants fall down)

8. Chicken Fever
(makes you spotty and sweaty... so that's what he's been taking all these years, with 'Mitsubishi Turbo' no doubt)

What's the world coming to? An end hopefully. However, thinking about these creative and amusing names, dreamed up by the dregs of society, has inspired me to come up with some possible names for my upcoming children's book or short stories. I've been writing it on and off for years but I think I've finally come up with a few good titles:

Short Stories
1. Charlie Bingo's Whiz Bangs
(about a boy who tries drugs by accident and regrets it)

2. Wendy's Turbo-Sausage
(a young girl finds a rubbery robotic toy sausage and injures herself... by accident)

3. The Smell of Cracked Wheat
(two children play in the fields and get kidnapped... by accident)

4. Mighty Odin's Omelette
(mighty Odin makes an omelette for his son Thor)

5. Cathy Bilgewater
(unknown but I like the title)

6. Curse of The Camel's Toe
(ancient egyptian tomb raider tale)

There'll be a lesson to learn in all of them, for kids and adults too. Keep posted for book covers.

The Angry Bulb

Artwork copyrighted to Zip Zip Kanuté 2009