Q&A: Why do young men wear such ridiculous footwear?

To hide their hideously malformed feet of course.

In the olden days, children used to grow up playing sports and partaking in outdoor activities with their friends – football used to be particularly popular amongst the working class scags.

They used to climb trees, toy fight with each other, play sports, build dens and generally piss around getting into lumber, but at least they were ALL outside activities. Nowadays, all those fun-time outdoor adventures have been replaced with something else, something insipid, something... unnatural.

It seems today's young men (and boys) rarely see sunlight or smell the dew on the grass, opting for a diet of anti-social networking, fast food, violent video games, trash TV and mountains of hard-core porn. So much porn in fact, that their hands are as coarse as bark, scarred and swollen, charred and blackened, with welts 2 inches high.

Just imagine what their cocks look like (you don't have to if you don't want).

Now, considering all their favourite activities are 'performed' sitting down (or at least in a comfortable position, except the rudimentary self-fisting), it means that their feet are barely used.

Theire feet are in a permanently elevated position, placed on soft cushions or inside mother's slippers, making them all soft and dainty, like little girls feet.

Their soft peachy little trotters can't take the strain of a proper pair of boots or shoes, it's just too painful for them, leather is just TOO unforgiving, it hurts Mummy.

As a result, they can only wear shoes made of certain types of material, such as cotton, suede, velvet and silk.

This, gives the so-called 'designers' at Adidas, Nike etc, an opportunity to put their most absurd, garish and kitsch ideas into practice, meaning the young men, disabled by the softness of their pretty smooth hooves, are FORCED into buying these shoes. Bright pink, blue and green with sparkly bits, 46 air bubbles of uselessness, with little velcro fasteners because they haven't learnt to tie laces properly yet.

Their disability dictates their options.

It's a shame really. Maybe I shouldn't be taking the piss...