3 Second Rule

Vanity at it's most absurd.

Good God - Update

Perverted Salad

I hate 'smelly' food. If it smells that bad you shouldn't be eating it... and why is it always women who eat this disgusting shite? Lets say you discover something at the back of the fridge; it's only been there for 4 months, you smell it - Christ it stinks. The logical course of action is to now throw it in the bin. All normal people would agree with me but on the rationale of people who actually like 'smelly' food (or abnormal people as I like to refer to them); the only course of action to take is to chop it up, cover it in gravy and eat it in front of something fucked up and depressing like X Factor. Horrifying.

It seems some people literally relish the challenge (of their own invention no less) of creating foul concoctions of food to upset everyone at the table. This weekend I witnessed somebody decide to take things one step further by creating the world's first 'Perverted Salad'. Needless to say; it stunk the room out and caused everybody present to vomit into their pockets.

Pervert's Salad
(WARNING: Do not try this at home)

Ingredients (in equal quantity)
Lettuce
Strawberries
Onions
Raisins
Gherkins
Olives
Cucumber
Peanuts
Tomatoes
Lemon juice.

Method
Chop it all up and sling it in a bowl. Enjoy to the disgust of everyone around you then 'have a word with yourself'.

The Mariah Carey Incident

Shut the f*ck up you fat f*cking waste of b*st*rd space!

Welcome to a new 'Jellyjitters' blog. Today we'll be discussing 'Jelly's' incredible ability to annoy and frustrate everybody around him by merely being himself. Usually one can laugh as 'Butterball' spits and gurgles his trotsky-esque opinions and tedious anecdotes however, there are times when no matter how hard you try to ignore the b*st*rd, his never-ending racket, self-showering in drool and blatant far-leftist opinions begin to grate on the very foundations of your being.

One such trait is his complete competence at acting 'the tw*t'. Earlier he was observed guffawing at his own jokes and being as openly racist, anti-gay and misogynistic as possible. Unprofessional, loud, obnoxious and bigoted; 'Megaflatulance', after 20 years of being stuck in his chair, continues to shock staff and clients alike who still cringe with disbelief at his behaviour. How does he get away with it? Well, he doesn't. A recent complaint was issued against 'Trifle-Delux' due to his extremely poor attitude, appalling interpersonal skills and reluctance to help a member of staff. Laughing all the way to happyvile, the staff and I whooped for joy when this was announced but unfortunately it appears (yet again) he has gotten away without serious punishment. 'His' lies appear to be more potent than 'their' lies, if you catch my drift.

The ego has spoken!

Allow me to give you another a good example of 'Cheesepuff's' unprofessionalism: "I can't believe they asked me to put on Mariah Carey, I can't believe it" he plopped for the umpteenth time; "I started laughing when they asked me, so I put on Public Image, that annoys everybody" he scoffed. (Public Image by the way was a appalling, tuneless and somewhat pointless band Johnny Rotten formed after The Sex Pistols split up, needless to say, they were sh*t.). Unsurprisingly, the clients (all four of them) were upset with the choice of music blasting into their faces and understandably asked him to turn it off or at least turn it down. Smug with his own self-importance, he promptly refused and began laughing, slurping; "You dared to ask me if I had any Mariah Carey so I thought I'd put this on". It makes you wonder why some of them complain.

After 45 minutes of ear splitting music, spitting in the clients face and ranting about the history of Public Image to anybody in the vicinity; the entire workshop had developed an unsavoury atmosphere, customer were beginning to gossip about his behaviour. Fortunately (for him), The Blob stood (for the first time that morning) and exclaimed: "I'm going out for a fag, I'll send the poster to print when I get back". A mixture of disgust and relief was clear to see on the scowling faces of his clients. I quickly dashed across and turned the SH*TE music off; much to the appreciation of everybody in the room.

You'd now think; 'Right, he's told us all about the incident; end of story' but you'd be wrong. Depressingly, and probably the most outrageous aspect to this story is that at every available opportunity Butterface retells the event to myself. This happens on an almost hourly basis, revelling in his own 'superiority' and sniggering at the 'hilarity' of the event. It's as if he's won some kind of moral victory over the customers by being a complete c*nt and getting away with it. He's now been rabbiting on about the same b*st*rd incident for an entire week and it's driving me mad.

He won't shut up.

Doesn't he get the message?

We were f*cking there you stupid f*cking retard! Will you just shut your flabby f*cking trap for five b*st*rd minutes you revolting sh*t rag from hell!