Showing posts with label twatting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label twatting. Show all posts

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Arsenut


Will you stop banging the fucking table you fat fucking oaf!

Now please, fuck off and die you miserable twat! Please... just die, you fucking cunt! Infact, drop dead NOW and suffer in a pool of your own toxic vomit; you cunting hell-child fuck face!

You're a fucking horror of a person, a fucking horror, a nightmare, a foul stinking sweating bastard arse rag twatty bollocks!

DIE!

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Boredom Makes You Sick

After moaning for two days that it's bored and has no work to do (even though there is plenty to do), Jelly has decided to feign illness this afternoon and spend the rest of the day at home. This was to be expected as it's constant grunting, puffing and grumbling always seems to lead to some sort of physical disgruntlement whether it be truth or lies.

But the intriguing bit of this rather mundane event is that today is Wednesday, and we've already been told that Jelly will be taking Friday off, leaving a precarious Thursday in the middle. So after a quick phone call to Billy Hill for some odds, the only question is:

Will Jelly come to work tomorrow?

9/2 - It attends
13/8 - It phones in sick
13/2 - It dies

Keep you posted for the result tomorrow.

Friday, 22 October 2010

Misquoted

After taking over a job from Jelly and reading the client's email that was sent to 'it', I spotted a possible conflict regarding a quote, given by Jelly, within the email's content. I decided to call the client to clarify the job and make sure I got it right.

The phone call went swimmingly, she was polite, friendly and clear about what she wanted me to do for her, which unfortunately didn't tally with the quote she was given. In fact, the quote Jelly had given her was 9 times LESS than what she should be have been quoted. Confused and dismayed at the new and correct quote I gave her, she referred to her line managed and opted to call me back. I apologised yet again on behalf of Jelly (to his gross dissatisfaction) for the confusion and the misquote and said goodbye. No sooner had I put the phone down when Jelly barked;

"Who was that?"

I calmly replied

"I thought I'd call ********* to clarify what it is she wants us to do, some details in the email seem to conflict and I think she's been misquoted"

I saw a rage creep across it's hideous face like an evil tidal wave of custard

"The *expletive* liar, the *expletive* liar! She asked for 'blah blah blah' and I gave her the price. I'm *expletive* sick of these lying *expletive*!"

Jelly then stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind it. It returned red faced ready for another bout of moaning. Scratching my head, I thought to try to diffuse the situation as I can no longer cope with Jelly's endless moaning and 'spoilt child-like' behaviour, so I quipped in hope:

"Well, everybody makes mistakes sometimes"

I said this in an effort to dismiss any blame from either party, hopefully shutting the bastard up even though I knew he'd dropped a bollock. This unfortunately backfired as Jelly's venomous retort proved:

"Not me! I don't make mistakes! The *expletive* moron asked me for a *expletive* price for *expletive*…"

It's at this point I switched off as my ears were ringing. How is this Jelly still employed? Your guess is as good as mine.

Thursday, 1 April 2010

It Started Off Well

Usually it's fair to say that a bands reputation can be judged by the demographic of their fans and how their fans behave at their concerts. This therefore means that if you're 19 years old, wear black jeans and black t-shirts, have long hair and a goatee it probably means you listen to heavy metal and rock music and therefore probably Metallica. This is only a generalisation of course. So we agree that you can pretty much guess what type of music a person likes by looking at their dress sense, their age, personality and outlook on life. Good.

Another thing I've been thinking about is if you think about your favourite bands, let's say Jethro Tull, then you'll realise that other fans of Jethro Tull will have more than just a love of the music in common with you. For example; they might like cardigans or the flute and they're likely to have a good (if not warped) sense of humour and could even be pacifists or at least deplore violence. Usually fans of the same band have similar personalities. They like the same things and have similar traits; and it's probably these similarities in their persona which explain why they like the same music and therefore why they aren't too dissimilar to the creators of the music. After all, you create the music you like and you like the music you create. So logically, based on this assumption, you could say that the musician and his (or her) fans will have similar opinions. This is because everything they enjoy and care about will have all derived from the same shared interests.

Bare with me.

So with all this mind, if you had knowledge of the certain type of person you could guess what kind of music they listen to, for example let's take the 19 year old lad dressed all in black with long hair and military boots on; he'll probably like AC-DC and Led Zeppelin (and who doesn't). We can derive this because we might already know somebody who fits into this stereotype.

Picture this: It's around 7.30pm in late autumn and you've just been to the bank and drawn out £100. You begin to walk down the street when 20 yards ahead of you you spot a group of around 5 feral semi-retarded teenagers making a racket, shouting and laughing, dressed in full black shellsuits and golf caps and generally being 'anti-social'. The question is: Would you cross the road? And the answer is: of course you fucking would, unless you like being mugged and gang raped. This simple scenario proves that stereotyping is GOOD and should be seen as a virtue rather than right-wing bigotry. Anyway back to the main point.

I want to perform a little test to try and prove my theory is at least half correct. I will describe a person I observed in some footage at a live gig and you have to guess which band he's listening to. PS, if you have no knowledge of this type of person and what their favourite music is, you're likely to get it wrong. The more people you meet, the better you'll get. Anyway, try this one:

An unhappy, middle aged, slightly overweight man wearing a red cap (to hide his baldness), new trendy jeans (with in-built creases) and flat leather slip-on shoes claps along to a song then passionately screams out the chorus when it finally arrives. He has had two failed marriages and two kids to his first wife, votes New Labour (or The Crypto-Communist Party as prefer to call them) and is arrogant believing HIS way is the ONLY way.

Any ideas?

If you said Genesis you'd be half right but the correct answer is of course U2; and like all horrible little flies hovering around a enormous horse shit; these middle-class uppity nutsacks are so defensive about absolutely everything, especially U2, that they pomp and stomp throughout their irrelevant lives inventing problems, causing trouble and generally being pretentious fuckwits... just like their almighty leader: Bone-On. In fact, I'm so sick to death of listening to these brain-dead spastics who praise the money grabbing, talentless shite-hawk Bone-On, that I'm seriously considering committing genocide.

"Bone-On: he does things for charity, Bone-On: he's got an amazing voice, Bone-On: he understands politics, Bone-On, oh he's so magnificent, I'm going to have a tattoo of his face on my ballbag, Bone-On, Bone-On, Bone-On!"

FUCK OFF YOU TWATTING CUNTFUCKS!

Let's get it straight; Bone-On, the pretentious little turd gobbling charlatan can't sing, Edgehead can't play the guitar and has made a living by wearing old ladies stockings on his head whilst poorly emulating Andy Summers, and the other nobodies in the band no-one's ever heard of. Biggest band in the world? Don't make me laugh, U2 are the biggest dog egg in the world!

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